Honestly all this world looks really overwhelming, there's too much stuff going on: each program uses its own languages, its own compilers, uses different tools, libraries, dependencies, package managers and frameworks. You need specific instructions and documentation to learn new stuff at every single thing you deal with.
Whenever i open a project on Github i just feel overwhelmed because there will always be something new and i'm afraid i won't ever get out of that way of operate that "somehow makes things work" and really understand my code and program interactions..
Honestly it's really complicated because you use a program you need and you just see it from the surface, you don't have the time to learn how things work in a slightly more linear way, it would take ages considering the fact you probably need other 10 programs like that. To me it looks just like modern programming is about grabbing different pieces of fragmented knowledge all around web forums, wikis (or chatbots, which for me are just the next way of giving up our ability to learn) and somehow making things work.
I just get overwhelmed even when i take a look to a github page sometimes, even the frontpage has so much stuff you won't ever learn.
Another thing is the online community is the most sparse thing, far from actual real communities there is, you can work with people who won't ever even talk to, and their contribute can be as sterile as just creating a pull request and then leaving forever. You are mostly on your own striclty speaking of human connections and ability to share ideas and feelings.
I'm very fought because i somehow feel like i really love how certain ideals and creativity can be expressed with programming: i love that you can use something practical to solve idealistic, creative and technical problems. I love stuff such as digital etic, cypherpunk movemenet and all the work that opensource devs do to make the industry just a bit better, sometimes even receiving donations for their work, which for me is the highest form of payment, i've never seen someone more happy to pay for something as in the opensource community. But at the same time i'm starting to loathe technology and the internet because, adding on top of everything i said above about the sterility of the community, the difficulty to concentrate on a single thing and the dispersion there can be, i'm also dealing with a 10 years porn addiction since 5 years ago, progresses happens but are really slow and using my computer or phone is a huge trigger even if i'm trying my best to make them as minimal and not addictive as possible. Trust me, in a world designed to get you addicted to your hardware and software, being grown up used to doom scroll every day, it takes a huge amount of time and effort to have your things all sorted up to guarantee yourself a bit more privacy and software that is actually useful and doesn't want to keep you hooked, and at the same time don't be too much of a social outcast. You actually have to re-learn computer, or better saying, to actually learn computer for the first time, because you realize you can't just rely on having everything ready, set up, and just working from scratch without paying in some way, and the price that most big techs set is even higher, and far more subtle than just paying with money.
The software industry right now is shit outside of the few developers that are actually building products FOR users, and not for money, and of course that does mean that if i follow my ideals, i won't nearly have these much economical opportunities as every "usual" developer gets. It's a huge headache having to deal with programs even when i do it for myself, i can't even think of doing that for someone else right now (with all the work and continuity that this requires) and i'm thinking if i should really put my efforts somewhere else.
