Not much of a "meme"

Any photo editor will do. Just load it in and export as JPEG or smaller resolution.

On f-droid:

Pocket Paint is crashy for me, but it gets the job done.

Imagepipe has a bit clunky interface but just to load and export it works fine. Its primary advertised purpose is to remove metadata from photos, so not a bad thing to have on hand anyway.

Yeah that's a good segment about it. Recently Pinely released one with some fun tidbits of Guiness shenanigans: How Guiness RUINED World Records

maybe OP's deal has a clause where they can trade a soul for their freedom to back out

It's Guiness. The bar for evidence is 10,000 dollars.

Is this Innovation™?

Maybe it's just me: had to double back on that literal use of "where in the world".